English humour!!!!

[Beachy]

BRITISH HUMOUR

The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'

She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the
little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honor! this American should be put in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up,
'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.
You hold the fork in the wrong hand.
You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.
And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.
John

[LouBruno]

Now, that was funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Keep them coming.

[BobFoster]

Train joke, but not English. A lady and her baby were traveling by train. The Brakeman walking down the coach isle saw the lady with a baby and commented to the lady, "That's the ugliest baby I ever saw. Where did you find such a ugly baby?" The woman was horrified by the comment and didn't know what to reply. A few minutes later the Conductor came through the car and the lady stopped him, still red in the face with anger. She told the Conductor that she had been insulted by the Brakeman and wanted to know the name of their supervisor. She was going to sue the railroad. The Conductor taken aback said "I'm so sorry mam, why don't we go to the dinning car and arrange for a free meal for you and talk about it. Maybe we can even find a banana for your monkey!"

[Martyn]

A large and very loud American goes into a bar in Glasgow.
"I hear tell all you Scotch people are real hard drinkers." he says in a big booming voice, "Now you folks just don't know what hard drinking is! Why I'll wager a bet with any man to drink 20 shots of whisky one after the other
and give you $500 dollars if you can do it."
No-one takes up the challenge. One guy even leaves!
"Well, there ya go, sure proves my point!" the American says disgustedly.
A few minutes later the guy who left comes in and says "Hey Big Man, is that bet still on?"
"Sure as hell is!" and he orders a line up of 20 glasses of whisky. The man runs along the bar, grabbing each glass and throwing back the contents, to huge cheers and the astonishment of the American. The American of course tries to do it as well, but can't pass the 17th, so he gives the guy the $500.
"Tell me," slurs the Yank, "where did you go before you (hic!) came back in again."
"Eh? oh aye" says the man pocketing the bills,
"I went tae another pub just tae make sure Ah could dae it!"

[Martyn]

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance suits and paperwork, and was burned out.
Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial; he decided to become a mechanic.
He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade.
"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.
You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career.

[BobNaughton]

A Texan walks into a bar and orders three beers from the bartender. He takes them back to a table and drinks them, taking a few sips out of each until all three are gone. When he walks back to the bar and orders three more the bartender says to him, "You know if you order those beers one at a time they will stay colder. If you want I'll bring them over to you as you need them" No, thats ok says the Texan. You see my brothers and I always went out drinking together, it was a family tradition. Both my brothers now live in another part of the country, and before we split up, we promised each other that we would carry on our tradition, So you see I am drinking one beer for myself and one for each of my brothers.

The bartender thinks this is a good tradition and always serves up the three beers to the Texan when he comes in. He becomes a regular, and everyone at the bar becomes familiar with his routine. Months later the Texan comes in looking dejected and orders only 2 beers. The bartender notices the change but doesnt say anything. After a few rounds the other patrons also notice that the Texan is only ordering 2 beers. When he goes up to the bar to order another round the bartender places his hand on the texans arm as he serves him the 2 beers and says "I cant help noticing that your only ordering 2 beers. I want to extend my sympathies to you for the loss of your brother.

The Texan looks perplexed for a minute and then smiles, "No everthing is ok, both my brothers are fine. You see my wife joined a new church organization a while back and made me promise to give up drinking. So I did. It hasn't bothered my brothers any though.

[erictom]

ALL,

Due to the recent economic crisis, the stock market crash, budget cuts, rising unemplyment, unstable world conditions, a government that feels like it needs to fix everything, corporate greed, the cost of insurance, electricity, petroleum and taxes of all kinds....

We regret to advise you that the LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL has been turned off.

We aoplogize for the inconvenience.

[Alan]

Um. The latest version of the joke I heard is the light at the end of the tunnel is actually on an express train. Ooops.

Alan in the UK

[ASHampton]

A young man walks into a bar, as he sits down he notices a pirate with a large ships wheel for a belt buckle sitting a few seats down. As the night gets longer the young man (full of liquid courage) leans over and asks the pirate "why do you have such an odd belt buckle"? The pirate looks over as he wipes the ale from his his tangled beard and says "AAAAARRRGGHH! it drives me nuts"!

OK cut me some slack

Seth

[videojim]

Bob, your version is the one I heard on Flip Wilson's Show many years ago.